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Yes!" She asked if I had some time to spend with her. I told her I wasn't doing anything right then. She drove her friend to her car, telling her that...everything was fine, then I arrived a few minutes later after the friend had gone. (She didn't want her friend to get the "wrong idea.") We drove up to a nearby canyon to talk and look at the changing leaves. (It was September.) As we chatted, she made it clear that this was just to be a platonic relationship. I was disappointed, but wanted to be. I knew I looked the way I was expected to on the outside but I was trembling almost uncontrollably as I applied very little make up on my face. Mascara and sheer lipgloss. Light perfume. No jewelry. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to dress up, I didn’t want to look sexy. I wanted to disappear into my own skin. As I appeared in the living room my parents faces lit up. They were pleased with my choice. Our arrival was announced. As Mr H rose to greet us his shock was evident. His face. " You should. Starting with Mike - I think he's earned it." Yes," she said. "Definitely Mike. I've been pretty nasty to him, haven't I?" From what Hilary told me, yes. You have." And do you know why I object to Mike so strongly? Don't laugh, please." I promise." Because the bastard keeps nearly giving me orgasms!"I tried. I really tried. But I couldn't hold the laugh in. "Really?" Yes! The first time we did it, I was in agony. I couldn't bring myself to ask him, seeing what I thought of men. So. Nothing. Zilch. Nothing I could salvage, even with the hardest highest-contrast paper I could find. It was hopeless. I felt like shit. Like failure. Dad wouldn't have approved, I'm sure of that.Just a fuckup. That's what it felt like and that's what it was. So, no, I didn't cry, but I felt like it. I solved it the way I'd solved so many similar things over the years: I cut it out of my life. I told myself it was because I was bored with it, that I hated darkroom work, that I was only doing it.
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